Astrological Jargon According To Someone Who Has No Clue What It Means

Me: So, beyond sun signs and vague notions about planetary correspondences, you affirm that you don’t know anything about astrology, including its peculiar terminology and fancy jargon?
Them: Correct.
Me: So I’m going to read you a list of words, one right after the other, and I want you to tell me what you think they mean. Just the first thing that comes to your head no matter how unwise or ill-formed.
Them: Ready!
Me: Okay, let’s start with something simple. Trine.
Them: When you’re doing something, like you’re trying really hard.
Me: Quincunx.
Them: Sounds like currency. “That’ll be 3 quincunx please!”
Me: Quindecile.
Them: An idiot who uses that currency, like quincunx.
Me: Septile.
Them: Something to do with 6.
Me: You mean 7.
Them: Yes, 7!
Me: Quintile.
Them: Five of the same somethings.
Me: Ascendant.
Them: Ascendant. Following something.
Me: Descendant.
Them: Preceding something.
Me: South Node.
Them: Sounds like a slang term for a penis.
Me: Um. Finger of God.
Them: Oh god. Is this like urbandictionary? Someone who is really good at foreplay.
Me: Yod.
Them: A yod? Um. A really stupid person like a blogger.
Me: Paran.
Them: No idea. Sounds like someone is mispronouncing a word like parent.
Me: Wow. Arabic Part.
Them: A slang term for a penis.
Me: Via Combusta.
Them: A Harry Potter spell to blow something up.
Me: Cazimi.
Them: A sequel to the 1999 movie Kazam with Shaquille O’Neal not Sinbad.
Me: Dispositor.
Them: Something that automatically disposes something for you.
Me: Dodecatemoria.
Them: Sounds like something Hermione Grainger would bring up. “It’s the dodecatemoria Harry!”
Me: Hyleg.
Them: A special position for women who are really flexible.
Me: Grand Cross.
Them: Sounds like a train station.
Me: Ingress.
Them: Ingress? Sounds like something you’d have on your skin that’s bad.
Me: Jyotish.
Them: Sounds Russian or Yiddish. “Remember that jyotish we saw a while back that was interesting.”
Me: Rahu.
Them: Sounds like ‘yahoo’.
Me: Wow. Ketu.
Them: Gesundheit.
Me: Nakshatra.
Them: Sounds like something you’d find in the kama sutra.
Me: Actually, that’s not too far off. Moiety.
Them: Oof. It comes dangerously close to sounding like moist, so I don’t like it.
Me: Mystic Rectangle.
Them: A what? A mystic rectangle? I just picture like a rectangle floating in the air and has like pink gases floating from it or something.
Me: Right on the money. Mutual reception.
Them: When you’re on a first date and things seem to be going well.
Me: I’m surprised you didn’t think of 69’ing.
Them: But that’s what I mean…
Me: Ah, I see. Very well. Novile.
Them: Sounds like nubile, someone’s novile, like they’re young and sprightly.
Me: Ok. Ophiuchus.
Them: A very important Greek god we never learned about.
Me: He’s not that important. Moving on. Pars Fortuna.
Them: Pars Fortuna?
Me: Pars Fortuna.
Them: Sounds like a casserole.
Me: Picatrix.
Them: Sounds like a board game.
Me: Porphyry.
Them: Sounds like potpourri.
Me: Refranation.
Them: I don’t know, a place where refras live. A refra nation.
Me: :cough:
Them: :eyes shift:
Me: Wow. Placidus.
Them: Sounds like a sea monster.
Me: Under the beams.
Them: Sounds like a euphemism for sex, like under the sheets, an oldey-timey one for people who lived in a barn.
Me: Vedic.
Them: What what’s-her-face called Darth Vader’s penis.
Me:…WHAT!?!??! Who was THAT?!?!?
Them: I don’t know! If he slept with any woman that’s what he called his penis!
Me: Oh, Amidala.
Them: Yep.
Me:…
Them: ⊙﹏⊙
Me: ಠ_ಠ