What the Internet Apparently NEEDS TO KNOW About You And Your Sun Sign

Me: Hey Internet, it’s me again.
Internet: HEY LOOK HERE’S A TRUMP THANG
Me: Get that orange boil out of my face.
Internet: TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP
Me: *X out*
Internet: TRUMP
Me: *Scroll down*
Internet: TRUMPETY TRUMPETY TRUMP
Me: GAH that’s sort of the point, I need something else right now, even the slightest reprieve. We’re going to see this guy around for at least 4 years.
Internet: Inspiring pictures of the Women’s March.
Me: That’s so good.
Internet: TRUMP TRIMP TRAMP ALTERNATIVE FACTS
Me: I need something else Internet. I need. Moar. Let’s do a fun article to get people’s minds off the madness.
Internet: What if you recycled that blog article from over a year ago about people’s Google searches about signs?
Me: Yeah that was good. I need a new twist though.
Internet: Tr-
Me: DON’T.
Internet: …Try writing about what people want to know about each sign instead this time.
Me: …Okay that’s not too bad.
Internet: TRUMP
Me: Fuck you.

Y’know, it’s amazing. We have this illustrious traditional system of meaningful correspondences passed down over thousands of years which can reveal the hidden forces of destiny in individuals and nations far into the past and the distant future, and the following is what the people want to know from it. Ready, set, palmface!

Why do Aries like things? Perhaps they like Libras due to the opposition aspect, and Aries is inherently confrontational. I’m not sure that there is much of an affinity between Aries and Pisces except for being in a contra-antiscia relationship. Aries does rule the head so the question about headaches is sort of interesting, but the correct answer is because they have a head and sometimes it aches.

I have not read about teleportation as a typical attribute of Taurus Suns, so I don’t know how they disappear. Taurus does have a reputation for being a stubborn fixed sign, so that might explain the question about hating change, as well as coming back. Why do Tauruses lie? Uh. Because as one Sun in Taurus once said, “You can’t handle the truth”…

While Gemini does have a reputation for duplicity (which covers the lying, pulling away and cheating), I have a sneaking suspicion that “why do Blanks lie” is going to be a common theme here. Why do Geminis like Leos? Um, because everyone likes Leos.

Cancers cheat because they overthink and have mood swings, on account of dating Virgos.

Sigh. Leos lie because… people can’t handle how awesome the truth is. They like Aries because it’s the sign with the next biggest ego. They also have Taurean teleportation powers apparently.

Oh my God. They lie because…the truth is too complicated for you to understand. They always have to be right because that’s sort of their job. And that’s why they have no friends. And they come back because they have no friends.

Libras lie and cheat because they don’t want to tell you that your ass does look big in those jeans, and they also don’t want to tell you that they deposited the image of your big ass squeezing into those jeans right into the spank bank for a withdrawal later that night. They want to be polite after all. They lie and cheat because they care so much. They like Leos because they’re like anyone else.

Scorpios don’t just lie. They lie, so much. They’re lying about liking Pisces. That’s why they cheat, because they don’t really like Pisces. They come back though because it’s easy.

Sagittarius talks so much to distract Virgos from how much they’re cheating on them and to convince themselves they need more space. On their bed for all the people they’re cheating on Virgo with.

They cheat and lie because Capricorns will do anything to get to the top. They like Geminis because they’re cheaters too.

Aquarius people stare because they’re freakin’ weird. That’s also why they like Pisces. And Gemini can’t handle it.

Pisces cheat because you’re ugly. And they do drugs because you’re ugly. Scorpios aren’t ugly so, y’know, they get along.

Well astrologers, I think the internet has spoken. We need to devote more research to answer the public’s most pressing question about astrology…