What the Internet Thinks of You and Your Sun Sign (Hint: Not Much)

Me: Hey, Internet, what do you think of my sun sign, Libra?
Internet: Hello! Would you like to go on Facebook?
Me: No.
Internet: Jk, you’re already on. Want to post on your friend’s inflammatory political post?
Me: No.
Internet: Want to retweet your follower’s sepia toned meme with a pithy quote on it?
Me: Not really.
Internet: This Guy Did This Thing And You’ll NEVER Believe What Happens Next!
Me: Oh god, NO.
Internet: Want to watch some cat videos?
Me: Sure I’d- wait, no!
Internet: Watch Jenny get porked by a bunch of –
Me: -No. Well, not now.
Internet: Purchase some of these pills to increase the size of your –
Me: INTERNET. Internet. I want to know what your denizens’ concise impressions are of sun signs.
Internet: Fine fine here’s a Google.
Me: Kthx.

Aries are so

Aries is a fire sign ruled by Mars. Mars’ rulership accounts for the observations of aggressiveness or being mean. Perhaps the selfish thing comes from the Sun’s exaltation in Aries. Annoying? I suppose you could be annoying if you walked around thinking you’re hot shit. Not bad, internet, not bad.

taurus are so

Before you think I was dropped on my head as a kid, I’ll have you know that there is a big difference between how astrologers, muggles and grammar dictate what the plural of a given sun sign group should be. The technically accurate term would be Taurus Suns, since we’re usually referring to the position of the Sun in a given tropical sign. But since we’re dealing with the general public, the best we can expect is Taureans or even Tauruses. Tauruses is weird because no one says Arieses. Instead, people use Arians, which isn’t  problematic for sounding exactly like “Aryans” at all. AT ALL. Instead, we get Taurus treated like the word deer or sheep, which in some ways makes sense because Taurus is a bull. But you don’t refer to a group of cows as “cow”.

In any case, the internet seems to be focusing in on the fixed quality of Taurus with the stubborn and slow stuff. And like Aries, Taurus is also deemed mean and annoying… I’m just surprised that the Internet hasn’t called out Taurus for being the basic bitch of the zodiac. You know, the rulership by Venus, being an earth sign, they’re kind of materialistic, simple pleasure type people. Basic ass shit. Moving on.

geminis are so

Like Aries and Taurus Suns, Gemini Suns are also considered…mean…and annoying. I think we’re seeing a pattern here. On the bright side, “fake” and “smart” seem to be picking up on Mercury’s reputation of duplicitousness and cleverness, and Mercury after all does rule Gemini. I wonder if the people searching this already have some idea of what the sun signs are supposed to be about or not.

cancers are so

If you’re at the point where you’re at such a loss for answers, that you’re googling why a Cancer is so mean to you, you should probably re-evaluate the state of your life. But maybe you’re a Cancer yourself. Or a Libra. In which case, give up. The Moon’s rulership of Cancer might account for all the moody, sensitive, needy and clingy stuff. But here’s the real test, are Cancer Suns mean AND annoying? I think “needy and clingy” is just replacing “annoying” here. This is just. What. Is every sign going to be mean and annoying, Internet?

Meanwhile, oncologists everywhere are burying their heads in their hands.

leos are so

Oh goddammit here we are again with the MEAN and ANNOYING. At least arrogant and fake are two different reflections of the Leo nexus of identity, pride and presentation. After all, it’s the freaking Sun that rules Leo. Let’s see if Virgo is mean and annoying as well.

virgos are so

This can only mean that there are literally hundreds or even thousands of people going on Google bitching about annoying meanies, by sun sign no less. Just. Bizarre. Virgos being characterized as cold and boring is kind of interesting given Virgo’s obsession with details, facts and figures. After all, Virgo is where Venus is in its fall, and Mercury is in its exaltation here.

Now, for the next sign Libra, they may be pretty annoying because they go to such  great lengths to preserve peace and balance. They strive to avoid conflict at almost all costs. That has to at least mean the opposite of mean, right?

libras are so

Goddammit! But at least fake and charming captures two sides of Venus’s rulership of Libra. Sort of like breast implants.


Okay, if there’s one sign that could qualify for being mean and annoying, it would be Scorpio. They’re ruled by Mars like Aries, and it’s annoying dealing with someone who’s so intense and broody all the time. Right. Right!?

scorpios are so

What the balls. The weird, jealous secretive stuff is fairly common fare for Scorpio, but fake? Maybe to cover a secret, but Scorpios are otherwise considered to be very authentic. Shame on you, Internet. Shame on you and your house. Although, knowing Scorpios, maybe the people who called them mean and annoying were also the last…

sagittarius are so

Oh great. We’re back at this mean and annoying thing. But I guess the insensitive and rude thing could be accounted for by Sagittarius’s outspoken nature and penchant for professing the truth (as one sees it) due to its rulership by Jupiter. Sagittarian pundit/provocateur/hatebarfer Ann Coulter comes to mind.

capricorns are so

Capricorn has been spared from being annoying. But they are still mean, dammit. Saturn’s rulership of Capricorn could account for the boring and lonely part. Funny is pretty random for serious Capricorn. Jim Carrey is a Capricorn, he’s the only Capricorn comedian I can think of off the top of my head. Although, I’d attribute his funny side to his Moon in Gemini, with all the facestretching and imitations. Anyhoo.

aquarius is so

Aquarius has also been spared from being annoying, but they are also so meeeeean. I think it’s interesting to see these distinctly Saturnian significations are given for Aquarius when so many people still consider Uranus to rule Aquarius instead of Saturn. Is Dick Cheney’s Aquarius Sun ruled by Saturn or Uranus, guys? BOOM. Checkmate.

pisces is so

Pisces somehow escapes being annoying, but they do get to be mean, but only if they’re a man. Glad we cleared that up. But somehow Pisces is considered stubborn AND indecisive. Maybe it’s indecisive about being stubborn? Or stubborn about being indecisive? This is pretty lame, I gotta say Internet.

But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised at these results, when this is what the Internet seems to largely feel about astrology in general…

astrology is


Next time someone tells you they get their horoscope from the internet, let them know that all Google will tell them is that they’re annoying and a big meanie, unless you’re a Scorpio, of course. Then tell them to get their custom personalized natal chart read by an astrologer. Cough, cough.

2 thoughts on “What the Internet Thinks of You and Your Sun Sign (Hint: Not Much)”

  1. Pingback: What the Internet Apparently NEEDS TO KNOW About You And Your Sun Sign – Patrick Watson

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