5 Tips For Longer Lasting Elections

So, you’ve decided you’re done with this fate shit and you’re ready to risk tempting the wrath of the powers that be by defying the cosmic order and taking matters into your own grubby Tinder-swiping stubs. Welcome to electional astrology, where you can punch fate right in the balls. Of its face. You can find the right moment to give you the enhancement you need, so you can be confident in your ability to be ready when the mood strikes. If finding your election lasts more than 4 hours, seek the help of a professional astrologer. Here are 5 tips to increase the size, strength and stamina of your bulging elections.

1. Match the Purpose of Your Elections With The Planet That Will Rule the Ascendant

When cockslapping fate, think about what it is you want to achieve. This will help you narrow down which planet should rule the Ascendant and the area of life the election concerns. We might naturally want the benefics on our side for any venture, but they can’t always work outside their jurisdictions. Think of the essential functions and significations of the planets and consider what you’re really trying to do. For example, Mars might be better to rule the Ascendant of a war chart rather than Venus, since the goal would presumably be to destroy the other side, rather than kill them with kindness. Saturn might be better to rule the Ascendant of a diet election rather than Jupiter, since the aim would be to be disciplined about what one eats rather than indulgent.

In other cases, such as an election for a surgery, you probably want Mars to be well-placed since it signifies cutting, even if you don’t want Mars as the ruler of the Ascendant because presumably the purpose of the election is to improve one’s health, rather than destroying something. This is especially the case since most surgeries take place during the day, when Mars is contrary to sect. Similarly, Mercury better be in a good position for starting a new bank account, even if your intentions for starting one is to create a lot of savings, in which case Jupiter is probably a better bet so that the Mercury retrogrades don’t screw your finances. Without lube.

2. Find a Time When The Ascendant Ruler Isn’t Being Totally Dicked Over

Ideally, you want to find times when the planet that will be ruling the Ascendant is in its own signs or exaltation. If that isn’t possible, at least avoid the sign of its fall. I don’t personally see planets in ‘detriment’ as being the worst thing ever. Ideally, you want the planet to be making an applying aspect toward a benefic, or at LEAST separating from a malefic. If you can’t avoid a retrograde, such as a Mercury retrograde, try to schedule the election on the tail end of the retrograde period so that it’s moving toward its direct station. If the planet is combust the Sun, try to schedule it as it is moving away from the glare of the Sun. The main idea is that you want the Ascendant ruler to be visible in the sky, moving regularly and stably. Now obviously, if you don’t follow these guidelines, you will surely die, and you can expect the following:

If the Ascendant ruler is combust the Sun, then what you’re trying to achieve with the election will be unseen, to you or others, especially at night. Now I suppose if you’re trying to be discreet about something, this might work in your favor, but I’m presuming you’re not using electional astrology for shady ass purposes which, let’s get real, you probably are, so read this. Meanwhile, electing the Ascendant ruler while its retrograde just means that there will be unintended consequences. Since it’s appearing to move irregularly, so will the course of your election. This is why Venus and Mercury retrogrades doubly suck, because so much of their retrograde periods are also combust the Sun, unless they are happening in their own signs.

3. Match the Election to One of the 12 Houses and Find a Time When Its Ruler Isn’t Being Totally Dicked Over

When teabagging destiny, think about which of the 12 houses your election falls under. Ideally, if the ruler of the Ascendant is not in its own sign, the next best place for it to be would be in the house relevant to the election. For example, if you were electing a date for a wedding, if you can’t get Venus in Taurus or Libra with Taurus or Libra rising, you might consider Venus in Aries or Scorpio, so that a Libra or Taurus rising has its ruler in the 7th house, matching the event of a wedding to the function of Venus and the topic of the 7th house of partnerships.

You might also want to find a time when the ruler of the house in question is in good condition, and ideally placed in its own sign, the sign of the Ascendant, and even better if it’s in an applying aspect with the ruler of the Ascendant. For example, in a wedding election with Taurus or Libra rising, you’d want to join the ruler of the 1st and 7th applying toward each other, just as the two people are being joined together in the wedding. That means finding a time Venus and Mars are in good signs and in aspect. Venus-Mars conjunctions in Aries or Libra with Libra rising or conjunctions in Taurus or Scorpio with Taurus rising would be ideal, especially after sunset so that they won’t be contrary to sect.

4. Find a Time when the Moon Isn’t Being Totally Dicked Over

As if all this wasn’t tedious enough, now we have to consider the Moon. Now the awesome thing about the Moon is that at least it’s never retrograde, but there are so many other ways the Moon can get dicked over, it can make otherwise perfect elections turn out garbage. Electional in some ways is reverse horary, and we all know that the Moon in general can represent a kind of co-significator for the question. So in electional, the Moon has outsize importance.

Ideally, you want the Moon in Cancer or Taurus or other signs ruled by benefics or other well-placed planets, and not Scorpio. You want it applying to benefics or separating from malefics. If you want to build something up, elect when the Moon is increasing in light. If you want to tear something down, elect when the Moon is decreasing in light.

You also don’t want it to be conjunct the Nodes, or even in the quadruplicities of the Nodes. You don’t even want the Sun in the quadruplicities of the Nodes. Why? Because when the Sun and Moon start making aspects across the Nodes, things start getting eclipse-y, and electing things around eclipses tends to give them a degree of permanence. Now, I know you like living on the edge, but you can’t control all variables and uh, life, uh, finds a way.

5. Totally Dick Over the Malefics

Unless you’re purposely using the malefics toward your own ends in the chart, you’re probably going to want to minimize their impact, especially the malefic contrary to sect. That’s Mars during the day, and Saturn at night. There are a few ways to minimize the damage they can do.

• By Sign – find times when Mars and Saturn are not in the sign of the Ascendant or the sign of the house that is relevant to the election
• By Aspect – find times when Mars and Saturn are in adjacent or “quincunx” signs to the ruler of the Ascendant and the ruler of the house that is relevant to the election
• By House – if at all possible, put Mars and Saturn in the cadent houses, as the cadent houses should “deflect” away their significations. I still kind of get the heebie jeebies by putting them in the 12th or 6th house though, so the safest houses to put them in are the 3rd or 9th. Avoid giving them too much significance in the chart by avoiding their placement in the angular houses or near angles in the chart.

Having said all that…

Embrace the Likely Futility of Electional Astrology And Do It Anyway

The one problem with electional astrology, is that the cosmos has a failsafe for your shenaniganery. People who don’t know anything about astrology can pick the best elections naturally, because they were always born to be successful at some things. You can be the best electional astrologer in the world, but you can’t change what your natal chart promises, and a great election might seem great on its own, but interface terribly with a given natal chart. Fate can punch you right back in the face. Of your balls.

Even if you don’t believe that things are fated (and yet somehow still accept the basic premise of astrology), your election has an inception. The very time you decide on an election is an election of an election, which would account for the different outcomes of two people using the same election, even for the same purpose. And if you tried to elect the election of your election? That’s an Xzibit Inception election. You can’t escape it.

However, there is an upshot to cosmic powerlessness: relief from the existential burden of managing our lives in this way. We can gratefully accept that a lot is out of our control and we can’t always know what’s best for us anyway. Take a look at people who overdo it with the plastic surgery. They thought they were getting what they wanted, and now they look like they’re having a constant allergic reaction to a bee sting. I’d post a really mean picture of it here for a cheap shameful laugh, but you can google it yourself. Do you really want your life to have plastic surgery face? I imagine not. The cosmos has a plan for each of us, and it’s bigger than your throbbing elections. You can still try and do it anyway, it’s in our nature to try, but know that this is why your dickpic elections will never, ever work.

Despite some of my philosophical reservations, I am still willing to help you find a time with the most favorable astrological conditions available for most endeavors*, so let’s talk soon about something you’d like to elect!

*No dickpic elections plz srsly kthx